When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
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“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.