Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
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Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Okey dokey.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Not today. 😅
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.