A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
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pls suprot
Try and stop me.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Stop.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.