“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
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If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Confused owl: What?!
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
plums roundup
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice