Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
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Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register