Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
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ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Pickled cat.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.