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Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha