If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
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When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Oops I deleted….
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit