FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
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Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
this is me
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.