I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
You Might Also Like
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
yea so i messed up lol
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
That’s amazing.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.