Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
You Might Also Like
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
🍛
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you