Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
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Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy