When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
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Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I can’t stop watching this.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”