This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
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Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Not today. 😅
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.