Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
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“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)