[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
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I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Lmfaoooooo
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.