I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
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“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.