Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
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I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer