You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
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Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
what the hell pray for carter everyone
<- sleeps well with others
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?