Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
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KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No