DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
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I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
you have three unread messages
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips