You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
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6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in