They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
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You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
giddy up Office Depot
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Geez man, take it easy.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.