Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
You Might Also Like
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*