Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
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ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.