I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
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Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.