Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
You Might Also Like
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
The photographer’s assistant
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes