I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
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ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
I hate my earbuds.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
My dad is at it again
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents