Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
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ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
It’s the weekend y’all
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.