My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
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6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
what are they serving at kfc then???
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.