Not today. 😅
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My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Get in loser we’re going crying
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Is this the real life?
Is this just
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.