My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
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A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
seems like a niche market
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.