Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
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If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Growing out my freckles.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
I already tried new things thanks.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Twitter is the new flypaper.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.