People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
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Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious