My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
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They also CAN sing✌️
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.