The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.