(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
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I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Happy Thanksgiving
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?