Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
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Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
I just love that new Pope smell.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Passwords are more important than ever.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.