Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
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Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
*pokes sex life with a stick
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?