Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
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Netflix and you sit over there.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you