this is the greatest thing ever
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I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Breaking news:
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Never forget.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.