Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
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When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.