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Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.