“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
You Might Also Like
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
they really do be looking like this
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
<- sleeps well with others
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
i hope my email finds you on fire
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.