Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
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Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
bad news gang
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
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