[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
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Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
“Sheer Arrogance”
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model