Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)