7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
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I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch