My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
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I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
*pronounces patio like ratio
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Poetry is my passion
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”