Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
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I don’t hate children, just yours.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
repaired
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?